What are boundaries?
The word “boundaries” should naturally ring a bell somewhere in your mind. We all grow up knowing when to say no, what things to avoid, which places to desist from going and how to behave towards each other. These are subtle references to what boundaries actually mean in practice. Of course, an imaginary or fenced line between your house and your neighbor’s house might also come to mind when you hear the word boundaries, but either way, a boundary indicates the point where one stops and another starts.
In human relationships, and this can be with friends, family members, work colleagues, or a spouse, your boundaries point out how others should treat you. It is some kind of imaginary line, which says where the actions of others concerning you start and end. In some way, a boundary can easily convey the wrong idea of pulling away from others or keeping them away from yourself. In reality however, a boundary is about connecting with others in ways that reduce or eliminate strife and conflict, be they in professional or intimate relationships. In fact, setting and keeping boundaries is critical to physical, mental, and emotional health.
Types of boundaries
Boundaries can be physical, emotional, mental, and even digital. Boundaries can be set in many areas of relationships. They can be set for personal space in a workroom environment, personal possessions such as your car, time available to attend to others, religion and culture, etc. Take the example of your house and yard. There is certainly some sort of boundary, physical or implied that says to neighbors, however great they are, that they should not cross over to your compound and pick your mangoes without your permission. (Of course, school boys don’t always respect this particular boundary). Another is when you take a public bus. A stranger should not simply come and sit on your lap because the bus is full.
Importance of setting boundaries
Setting boundaries provides a host of benefits. For example, it improves your self-esteem, gives you a sense of independence, and helps you conserve your emotional energy among others. We teach others how to treat us when we set appropriate boundaries.
- Improve the quality of relationships and build self-esteem
When you set boundaries for your relationship, you lay a foundation for a good quality and safe relationship. Knowing what your partner does not tolerate reduces room for hurt, even if sometimes unintentional. Boundaries also enable partners to each build self-esteem upon setting and enforcing their personal boundaries. You give yourself express permission to say no to things and to people. Boundaries generally draw a line that encourages you to stick to your side and stand on your choices and decisions.
- Boundaries create space for growth and room for vulnerability
Everybody deals with different kinds of feelings now and again. Setting and enforcing your boundaries builds that sense of independence, which is healthy and critical to your personal growth. However, there may be situations when you have to break them, display your vulnerability and give yourself room to open up to others, especially in intimate relationships where partner support is vital
- Conserve your emotional energy
Whereas you can set boundaries in any area of your life and in any kind of relationship, you do not exactly need to have the same level of limitation or boundary for everybody. You can have your boundaries that are dependent on situations and people; that way, you do not have to invest too much of your emotional energy in them if they are not family members or close friends.
Steps to setting up boundaries
There are four key steps to follow when setting boundaries. They include:
Step one in setting your boundaries is to identify those areas in your life that need them. A good way to start is to reflect on your relationships, whether professional or intimate. Are there times when you worry that others will demand something that you do not feel comfortable giving or just do not want to give? As a result, you instead avoid them, subjecting yourself to unnecessary emotional stress. That is a good area to set a boundary.
Upon identifying those interest areas, you should now write down your boundaries. Perhaps you think, why write down? It helps you to enforce them, and have a point of reference. This is particularly critical as more often than not, you might forget the existence of your boundaries, especially when dealing with close relationships.
With the boundary areas identified, and boundaries established and set, the next step is to communicate them to those you intend the boundaries for, depending on the relationship. To friends who like to come over late, you can say to them I would prefer if you did not visit so late. That is the time when I need to rest after work”
Communicating boundaries to people is one thing, however, their honoring those boundaries is another. So be patient, give them time to digest, and get used to respecting and honoring them. Eventually, they should be able to remember and honor them. If they do not after several reminders, then it serves well for you to set the consequences that arise from dishonoring your boundaries. Those who are interested in having a long and healthy relationship with you will honor your boundaries. You should reconsider your relationships with those who refuse to.
Conclusion
Boundary setting and enforcing is a behavior people learn and it takes time to get accustomed to it. It will take time and deliberate practice for you to improve at identifying those areas in your life where you need boundaries, whether in professional or intimate relationships. It will also take a lot of practice to enforce them especially if people are used to just hearing “yes” from you. It is also important to remember that others too have boundaries and you have the responsibility to respect and honor them. Boundaries are generally a two-way street. You set personal boundaries, but you also have to honor others’ boundaries.