Dear Koren,
My parents try to control me with money.
When I finished high school, they had a discussion with me about my career and we narrowed it down to 3 choices.
When it came to choosing a college, again it was narrowed down to three choices.
I’m back home and they want to have discussion with me about who I date, what car I buy (they are providing the down-payment) etc.
I also don’t think it is accidental that the first job offer I got is from someone who was my dad’s friend.
What I thought was support all the years I now see as control.
I want to now do my own thing but don’t want to be ungrateful and I don’t feel like a pros and cons decision at the dining table about my boyfriend is cool.
What do I do?
Daughter
Dear Daughter,
I’m smiling at the pros and cons conversation at the dining table. It sounds like you and your parents have a good relationship and I am happy for you that you had their support and cushioning over the years.
So many don’t have that.
The whole dynamics sounds very organized with the three of you getting together for every major decision in your life and narrowing it down to three choices.
I think that is a good approach for you to keep in your life when it comes to decisions that you have to make. Make a list, narrow it down, identify the pros and cons and then make a decision.
Maybe your parents are controlling indeed.
Maybe they also care about you.
Maybe they use their resources as a means of helping you or as a means of getting their way.
Even if their motives were suspect, what I hear is that they care and show interest in where you study, what you study, who you date, what you drive and where you work. That can’t be too bad.
It also seems like it worked very well for you then.
They might have exerted a bit of control and you might have gotten comfortable.
As an adult, you no longer want so much external input in your life and so it sounds like it’s time for you to set some boundaries with mom and dad.
This is your life and you have the right to live it how you want to.
Of course, you know that with rights, also comes responsibilities.
This means if you are gonna tell mom and dad to stay out of your life, then ask yourself if you should still take their money?
Independence is a good thing.
When Antigua and Barbuda gained its independence from England, it means we are responsible for ourselves… governance, finances and everything.
You are on the same path.
It’s not ungrateful to grow up and want to be independent or to manage your own life. Just be sure to thank your parents for always being there fore you and let them know you want some wiggle room to try things for yourself and you will always keep in mind what they taught you and will always need them, just not in the same way and not for the same reasons.
Koren
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