Dear Koren,
I dated a guy when I was about 20 years old and we really had a nice relationship but we ended it because he went away to study.
We didn’t keep in touch except occasional hellos and birthday messages.
Recently he mentioned that he got divorced last year and he would like me to visit him to talk about us – he will cover all expenses.
He can’t come home now because of work, but my time is more flexible.
I am in a relationship now, but I’m curious to talk to this guy who I once considered my soulmate and see which relationship is better for me.
Do I go and visit and if so, what do I tell my boyfriend?
Wondering
Dear Wondering,
Long ago curiosity used to kill the cat, but now it just gives the cat more options on how to live his or her nine lives.
Suppose someone from your boyfriend’s past contacted him and said to him, “I know you are in a relationship but I don’t care about her. I want you to come and visit me and let us see if we can make things work; and if things go to our liking, then you just dump your girlfriend, break her heart and be with me”.
Would you want him to comply?
Supposed she continued by saying, I know we had a good thing going years ago but I left because my education and career were important and I moved on. I did not really make space for you in my life because I gave that spot of importance to someone else.
Now that things have not worked out with that someone, why don’t you fly to me and let us see if things will work out with you.
Would you want him to go?
This guy is behaving as if he is offering you a job and you can leave where you are for a better position that was recently vacated by someone else.
He will pay all expenses. It’s up to you if you are curious enough to go, but seeing you asked my opinion, I will give it to you.
No one should summon you from where they are for you to come to them under these types of circumstances. If he wants to talk, he can make a phone call, use WhatsApp, Facebook Messenger, ZOOM or even Teams.
In these days, conversations can be had remotely and be just as effective.
It sounds to me like a high-level booty call - in an effort to recapture what once was….
He probably remembers how nice the thrill of young love was and how adoring you probably were in the glow of youth.
You are not the same person.
You are a mature adult with responsibilities who is in a committed relationship and you cannot jump every time you or someone else experiences a bout of nostalgia.
The past is gone. If you were single, I would tell you to talk to him from a safe distance and see what happens; see how things develop.
However, I cannot in good conscience advise you to throw away something that you are comfortable with for a hope that a fire can be lit from old firesticks.
Nothing in your emails said you were unhappy or dissatisfied with your current relationship and while no relationship is perfect, the grass is not always greener on the other side.
Koren
Send your questions and comments to email: koren@consultkoren.com
Your confidentiality is assured.