Dear Koren,
I have been married for 6 years and my husband still does not like me going out without him.
At first I used to think he was so protective and cared about me a lot but my friends are now saying they think it is control.
I don’t feel controlled at all because we have a system where we share tasks at home and he doesn’t have a problem buying my pads at the pharmacy and I work outside of the home and he doesn’t have a problem with that.
What is normal in marriages?
Should I be concerned.
His reason is that he prefers if we together at night and that’s our time.
Concerned Wife
Dear Concerned Wife,
What is normal in marriage is what both parties accept and are comfortable and happy with.
All marriages are different.
Of course, we have books and movies that tell us what should be and there is a lot of focus on unconditional love, compatibility, compromise, fairness and these other virtues. So, in other words, you and your husband have to create an environment that you are both comfortable with and where you both feel like your needs are being adequately met.
Friends have their place in your life and I would not minimize their input, but I would also not make their word, gospel. They are entitled to their perspective and if you think they have your best interest at heart, then take a couple of minutes and consider their views.
If a partner is controlling, it is likely to manifest itself in more than just one area of your life.
Your going out, finances, running of the home, children and other things.
Does he insist on always having his way?
Does he not take your views or opinions into consideration?
Do you not get a say when decisions are to be made?
Do you feel fearful or intimidated when expressing your views?
Are you always having to apologize to him?
Are you constantly criticized by him or belittled?
Do you feel that he keeps you away from friends or family?
Are you put on a budget and have to account for every dollar spent?
Do you have to report where you are at random times in the day?
If you answer yes to most of these, then perhaps your husband is controlling. If you want to test it, then insist on going out with your friends and ask him to have you both reschedule your couple’s time.
Try making some decisions and calling the shots in some instances.
If he resists on all fronts without good reason, then you might need to have a nice long talk with him.
Both partners in a marriage should have some sort of equality.
Some persons are better at some aspects, like money, so that person takes charge of that, but generally, equality should be the name of the game.
You also have to pay attention to your feelings and instincts.
Do you feel comfortable, safe, secure and loved?
That counts for something.
Some persons prefer to have their partner take charge; yes, it could be learned behavior because she is accustomed to being the submissive partner or it could be because she just likes having her husband handle certain matters.
At the end of the day, its important that you figure out who you are and what makes you comfortable as an individual and as a wife.
Koren
Send your questions and comments to email: koren@consultkoren.com
Your confidentiality is assured.