Dear Koren,
I asked my boyfriend to borrow $300 last December as I wanted to get some gifts for the children being as how I did not get much overtime around that time.
I know when I asked I said borrow, but of the 2 children I have, one belongs to him and my older child and him get along so well.
Also, he knows my overtime has not been coming but yet about 3 weeks ago he asked about the money and I got vex and then he got vex like I didn’t have the right to be upset. It’s not like he doesn’t know my situation and I know boss man not scrunting for the money.
Don’t you think he should have been a little more sensitive to my situation?
Like offering to give the money instead of expecting it back?
Girlfriend
Dear Girlfriend,
I hear you. I really hear you.
One of the things that always amuses me about females is how we want our partners to read our mind. In our minds, if things are brown, and we hardly have money and we ask him to borrow, he should know to just give it.
I really understand you. Some men are like that and would just give you the money. Other men, take what you say literally.
You can’t blame them.
In their mind, what the person says is what the person means and so since you asked to borrow then he expects that it be returned to him.
Truthfully, you can’t blame him.
Relationships can be really complicated sometimes especially when communication and expectations are at odds with each other. You said one thing, expecting another.
To answer your questions, yes he could have been more sensitive, yes he could have said $200 is a loan and $100 is a gift, yes he could have asked how are things with you financially. Yes, he could have enquired about your situation based on your request.
Yes, he could have shown some concern and emotional intelligence and probed a bit. However, I still maintain he is not wrong.
Lesson learned….next time say what you mean and ask for what you want. I understand how you are thinking but we can’t expect others to think like us or always see things our way, so the best thing to do is to be as clear as we can in our communication.
What could have worked was, “Hon, I need some gifts for the children, but I’m really broke; can you give me some money to get something for them”? What I see would be suitable costs about $300. You can give me the money or I can tell you where to go and get the items.
How things are now, with both of you being upset, is not good for you or the children.
So please have a conversation with him and let him know what your expectations were, listen to his side of things and then decide what is best going forward. Money is one of the biggest sources of conflict in relationships so seeing you are not making your overtime, see how best you can mange with your regular salary or have a budgeting discussion with him.
Hopefully this talk will clear up some things and you go forward with a better idea of what each other need and expects in the relationship.
Koren
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