Dear Koren,
My girlfriend and I work at the same hotel but in different department.
What I notice is that she flirt and play up to the guest to get more tips. I ask her one night why she have to be smiling up and up in people face and she say that is how she get her tips and that money is what pay for the last 2 tires our car got and she met me in that job and whatever.
She says it’s honest and she not sleeping with them or taking the money from their pocket but I still feel a how seeing as how she up in their face and all happy when she deal with them and then don’t have that same energy for me.
What should I tell her to get her to stop?
Should I threaten to end the relationship?
Boyfriend
Dear Boyfriend,
Sorry, I’m afraid this situation is not only about you so there is nothing I can tell you to say to get her to stop.
If you threaten to leave the relationship, that sends the message, “unless I get my way, I’m out”. Is that the message you want to convey?
She has explained that she feels it is an honest way of making money and she is not doing any thing unethical or inappropriate. In fact, what she is doing is what some persons would call good “customer service” and she is getting rewarded for it. If she was being inappropriate, I believe her supervisor or manager would have already called her out on her behavior, because then her behaviour would reflect negatively on the establishment.
The problem here is that you are taking her behaviour personally. Her being nice to others is not a violation of the relationship if she is not crossing any boundaries. You did not mention any touching.
As it relates to her not having the same energy with you, it could be because she is acting or working with the guests but with you, she is just being herself. Also, if you are arguing with her about being overly pleasant with others, that does not encourage that warmth in your own relationship.
My suggestion to you is to stop trying to control her and to stay focused.
Accept that she is doing her part honestly, to bring in extra money that benefits both of you. Let her know that you trust her and know that she would not do anything to jeopardize the relationship; have a little faith in her.
Deal with your own insecurity because I don’t think you want to push her away. but your attitude might and the fact that you consider threatening her is not cool. If seeing her working bothers you, then don’t go around her work area, unless you have to. She might also have more energy to pour into the relationship, if you don’t spend your time arguing or if she is not feeling stressed around you.
Focus on how to be proud of each other, how to deepen your relationship with acceptance, love, mutual goals and shared ambition. You both are adults and have to understand that you might not agree with everything each other does, but you can focus on the big picture, understanding that no two persons are alike and sometimes we have to compromise in relationships, especially when it is not a life and death situation.
Koren
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