Dear Koren,
My boyfriend and I are not sexually compatible.
He expects me to get involved with him all 4 times a week and he try to act like it’s for medical reasons.
He claims he gets headache when he doesn’t do it. I am getting fed up because I think that is too much for people in their 50’s.
I had to do that my whole life and don’t expect at this stage of my life to have anyone have me like that.
What is a reasonable amount of time for people to do that and what should he be eating so he can get rid of all those urges?
Dear Writer
Sounds like you are dating a very healthy man.
From what I have read in the past, 4 times a week is normal for some persons. If he is in peak health and has a strong libido, the result is what you are describing; if in addition he is also very attracted to you that can make his feelings even more intense.
Many persons in their 50’s are likely to have regular urges so it is not abnormal. If you personally think it is too much, then that’s okay. It’s your body and you have the right to determine what is comfortable for you.
There is no law or rule that says you have to perform a specific number of conjugal duties weekly.
I don’t believe you have signed a contract.
Even in a marriage one is not obligated to a specific quantity of giveaways, much less for someone who is a boyfriend; next thing you know, you have worked yourself into the ground and he picks up and moves on.
You give what you are comfortably able to when you are able to do it. It should not have to be a chore for you; that sounds very uncomfortable. If you continue on this path, you are likely to build up resentment and start disliking him as he will represent feeling of you feeling forced, compelled and fed up and having limited control of your own body.
As to his claims of headaches, I can’t speak to if a limited supply can cause headaches as I am not a physician. Perhaps there is a build up of tension and if he is fixated on it, I can see the possibility of him getting a headache.
There is no right answer for a reasonable number of times per week; it’s up to the 2 parties involved. I know you said amount but that sounds like the length of each session and we are definitely not discussing that. Just tell the man that you can’t manage all that and tell him what you are able to comfortably and willingly do.
Relationships are about compromise. Please don’t give him anything to eat.
Back in the day they used to say lime cut people’s nature, but I’m not sure about that.
I’m glad he is healthy and I’m happy that you have the self-awareness to speak up about your frustrations.
Now you just both need to find a middle ground and encourage him to go swim or go gym or something to work off his excess energy and just hope that doesn’t make the situation even worse.
Koren
Send your questions and comments to email: koren@consultkoren.com
Your confidentiality is assured.