Dear Koren,
I notice that in the last few months I have just been cutting people out of my life...
I do it and feel no emotions about it and I’m wondering if something is wrong with me. I used to be the kind of person who bend over backward to please others and give a lot of chances but now I feel like I’m becoming cold hearted.
What should I do?
Concerned Woman
Dear Concerned Woman,
Everyone has a limit to what they can and will tolerate.
If you have in the past been very tolerant and even bent over backwards to please others, that is not sustainable. After a while, it takes a toll. One can only give and give and give and bend so much before they actually get bent out of shape.
When that happens, the next person to cross the line, gets the brunt of all the frustration, bitterness, resentment or whatever other emotions have been built up.
Imagine someone lends money to friends. They borrow and borrow and don’t pay back. After a while, the lender becomes fed-up and stops lending.
Then someone comes along who is a good friend and has a genuine need and gets told “NO”.
She is shocked.
She questions the friendship; she questions you…how could you?
Remember, I have been kind to you? We know each other since high school days, etc.
You are made to feel like the bad one, like the cold one.
What it really is, is you setting boundaries after a long period of being taken advantage of.
Here are a few ways to deal with this:
- Accept that we learn from our experiences, good and bad. Someone told me the other day, that the word “crisis” in Greek means opportunity. So now, you have had a personal crisis, it’s an opportunity for you to learn how to move going forward.
- Decide to set good boundaries. It’s okay to set limits on what you are willing to do and with whom. It might be uncomfortable at first and you might lose some friends, but those who respect you, will understand.
- Stick to those boundaries. Some will beg and plead on their child’s life; do not allow yourself to be manipulated. You are not the only person they can come to.
- Have a safe group that you know are legitimate. Reserve your loans, your favours and your extended kindness to these persons. You know they mean what they say, they will pay you back and their mission is not to take advantage of you.
- Create a script in your head for those you need to say no to. “I’m sorry, maybe your need is genuine, but I won’t be able to help you now as my time or resources are limited and already allocated”. You can make up your own.
- Be comfortable saying no. It beings a level of freedom and it’s better to be firm and clear, than to toy with people or make promises you can’t keep or to keep giving until you are depleted.
Please don’t feel guilty for protecting yourself.
If someone continues to push or manipulate you, then it’s okay to limit your contact with them.
Do not feel guilty about protecting your mental health.
It’s okay to be kind, it’s okay to be generous, it’s okay to be the most giving person on the planet, but do it in the right way and on your terms.
Koren
Send your questions and comments to email: koren@consultkoren.com
Your confidentiality is assured.