Dear Koren,
I gained weight and my husband seems to not be attracted to me anymore.
He used to want intimacy all the time up to maybe 2 years ago and now he hardly initiates it.
He is big but I never reject him for that so it feels awful that he behave like this.
I know its because of my weight because he has made comments about my work uniform being tight and I can see how he looks at me if I am eating KFC or something he considers junk food.
My breaking point was when I reached for him recently and his response was that the place is hot and he is tired.
Like wow. What do I do now?
Wife
Dear Wife,
You will have to take the bull by the horns and have a frank conversation with your husband.
You have admitted that you have gained weight and in an ideal world, love should be unconditional and you should feel loved and desired at whatever size you are, but the reality is not always like that.
People fall in love and it’s sometimes based on a combination of the personality and looks. So if something changes, they might not always quickly adjust because the person in front of them does not look or behave as the person they fell in love with.
Many of us have a touch of superficiality about us. Truth.
You have noticed your weight gain. It is important for you to be at optimal health for yourself and also for your self-confidence. Please don’t love yourself less because you are not who you used to be. If you are trying to be healthier and lose weight, perhaps you could get a walking buddy or even enlist his help to do it together.
There are a load of options.
However, be clear that you are doing this because you think it is necessary and not because you feel bullied.
I think he could be a bit more compassionate and understanding. Maybe it was hot and he was tired that time, but what about the last 2 years? It’s good that you do not reject him because he is big, but you do know that people are different with different standards and perceptions.
So have that talk with him and mention your observations of the reduction in activities. Encourage him to share his thoughts with you and let him know you feel hurt and rejected by his lack of attention and you want him to see you beyond your physical self. In fact, you can continue to share some form of affection until you both are at a place where you are both comfortable to take it further. Not having any physical contact is not the best thing for your relationship – it limits the bonding and closeness.
In the meanwhile, continue to love yourself and treat yourself well.
Your value is not determined by how someone sees you but who you know yourself to be.
Koren
Send your questions and comments to email: koren@consultkoren.com
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